Mango no-go

lets just say mangos are not my favorite fruit...

i hadn't tried a mango before today; and i never will again. it was an orange mushy ball, with a taste that very closely resembled chalk. it seemed to expand in my mouth; making it impossible to swallow... so it just sat in my mouth, suffocating my taste buds. i wanted to spit it out...but that would have grossed me out even more.after a few hesitant chews i choked it down. and the whole time i was resisting the urge to gag that was pulling at the back of my throat.

*that's my dramatic version*

it wasn't that bad...but still bad enough for me to never want to try it again

dance

dancing. its one of the best things in the world. its amazing how the simplest movements can bring such joy.

just recently i have noticed how good music sounds when its so loud you can't hear anything else, but it. when its the only thing that fills your mind... urging you to move. to dance. turn it louder yet. hesitating... afraid of being judged; watched. embarrassed. but i was home alone. no one to say whether it was good or not. i began to get more comfortable; moving a bit more. then, forgetting all the things around me, i danced. i held nothing back. i was not concerned about anything. i did not limit myself; i did not question myself. the one thing that i was aware of was the music and the joy and relief that i was filled with. i felt like all my worries were gone... just for a moment. i enjoyed myself. i did not care... carefree i think the word is. i danced.

i have not felt that happy in quite some. i never thought that it could allow me feel that way. i felt no shame. i heard no opinions. i saw no mirrors. not even i could criticize myself. i think i like this thing called dancing; once i found out how to do it. how to enjoy it, and just let it all go. i look forward to the next time i dance. but why do i have to wait? why not just break out dancing? show the world that you just don't give a damn what they think. if they have a problem with it, then thats their issue.

i will no longer be hesitant to dance. i might even busts out a random move every now and then... so watch out. i love to dance.

keep it simple

why does everyone make everything more complicated than it needs to be? why does everything need an explanation? why can't it just be? when did sound become a vibration bouncing off the air? why can't it just be heard, without someone questioning it? why do we need to know where color comes from? why can't we just see it, and enjoy it?

i don't think that people now a days, are really appreciating the world we live in. they degrade it and point out its flaws. they never stop to notice that those little imperfections is what makes it beautiful. and yet people search for and find ways to fix whatever does not please them. making this world more and more artificial and trashed...leaving it in ruins.

why do people try to figure out how we came to be? i don't see how it matters. we are and living...not much to it. but in some way i admire what they are able to figure out and discover. discovery is amazing. but when they become obsessed and start to to make theories about the unknown that are way crazy and out there; i don't admire them anymore.

i hate the way that the world is ran. its all about land and who has the bigger guns. what stops us from getting along... nothing. just our own personal barriers. the ones full of pride and greed. i understand that we need to defend ourselves, but why would someone want to invade us?...maybe they are jealous because i'm here not there.... but whatever the reason, i believe that they should keep their hand to themselves. and that goes the same for us. people may say that we were helping other people who were not able to defend themselves. (the current war in Iraq.) but didn't we already catch the bad guy? why are we still fighting? the point to the war is lost. we are now just fighting to fight. to me, that is sick. why do we highlight our differences instead of celebrating what we have in common. people think too much, and care too much. i just want people to get along...if not that, then at least leave each other alone.

if you take a second to look around. everything is beautiful. mountains, clouds, trees, birds, houses, the wind. they are all very interesting and there is a lot to learn from them. but don't over think it. don't complicate it. enjoy it... the nature, sound, color, peace. be happy. run around in circles yelling "hello" to random strangers; if that what it takes. dance. have fun. live life. keep it simple. and don't think to hard about it.

why is it the simplest things, that people struggle with most? i believe that if we just live life and enjoy it, there would be no problems. thats why the earth is here: for our joy and happiness. not for destruction and questioning. just be.

broken branches

today i laid on my bed, staring at my ceiling, wondering what it would be like to have a family; a family full of people. full of relatives from both of my parents sides. with all my cousins that i wish i knew. all my aunts and uncles, and my grandparents. i imagined how big and wonderful our family would be. i imagined barbecues and birthdays. christmas and thanksgiving. all this thought made me sad. it made me realize that i will never have that... i will never get to play with my little cousins. i will never smell the sent of cigarettes and glade plug-ins again. {it wasn't the sweetest smell but it was comforting and familiar.} i will never sit in an over stuffed floral couch with a plate of neatly placed kiwi, pineapple, strawberries, on the coffee table again. i will never be guided on my bike by my older cousin.

memorise and scraps of photos is all i have to remember them by. i just wish that they had made better decisions. ones that wouldn't tear the family apart. ones that wouldn't leaving me feeling incomplete. ones that wouldn't leave such big scars and wonderings. ones that didn't cut down the tree. i love them and miss them so much. i want to be apart of their lifes and them to be apart of mine. my mind says that that its impossible and will more than likely never happen. but my heart wants it to be a posibility; wants it to be true. i dream of and imagine the day when i am able to see them in a safe environment. even a grocery story would be enough for me.

but dispite all the family that i have lost, i still have half of it, who i wouldn't give up for the anything. my parents... they are the best in the world and you all should be jealous. my sisters, who sometimes annoy the living hell out of me, will always be my best friends.. my grandma and grampa who will always have a story to tell me whether or not i want to listen to it . my aunt, uncle and their son; the one cousin that i see regularly. he's a gross little guy, but i will treasure him just as much. they are my family; and they're pretty darn amazing.

my family tree is a broken one, and will always be. but that doesn't mean that it won't try to fix its self and continue to grow. cause i sure hope it does.

i'm confused

there i am; on the outside of the circle. wanting to be in it. talking, but not being heard. asking, but not being answered. having to repeat repeat repeat to be acknowledged. wanting to scream...scream so loud that they can't do anything but listen to me. but i can't. i sit there, looking down the line on the couch. i see people, two by two, leaning in. and me? don't ask. i stand there, looking around hoping to catch another wandering eye...maybe a smile. even a fake one will do. but all eyes pass over me; like i'm not there. smiles everywhere; but none directed at me. i flinch with excitement every time i hear my name. even if it is just to to pass the ranch.



i try, i really do. i try my hardest to be apart of the circle. but every time i do, the reactions of people hurt. whether it be a facial expression, a comment, or a physical motion. i'm left, still on the outside.


when the cameras come out, i feel like i put on a cover. i'm full of smiles; giggling. trying to look like i'm having a great time. pressing myself close to others...so it looks like i'm apart of it. i feel my cheeks going numb with the fakeness that i have injected into them...

i don't know if this is me looking for a reason to feel sorry for myself or if it is just what i can see. my prospective. what if my prospective is made up?what if i, myself, puts me on the outside. or is it really what happens? then why am i tired; tired from striving to be apart of something? something that somehow means so much to me... but why? if i am of no importance or value to them, then why do i care so much? well, i shouldn't. but i still do...

of course, i go to my mom, hoping that she can help me. but all her opinions just confuse me more. they make me doubt me feelings.they make me question them. but what if they do need to be questioned? i guess i just don't know anymore.