i'm confused

there i am; on the outside of the circle. wanting to be in it. talking, but not being heard. asking, but not being answered. having to repeat repeat repeat to be acknowledged. wanting to scream...scream so loud that they can't do anything but listen to me. but i can't. i sit there, looking down the line on the couch. i see people, two by two, leaning in. and me? don't ask. i stand there, looking around hoping to catch another wandering eye...maybe a smile. even a fake one will do. but all eyes pass over me; like i'm not there. smiles everywhere; but none directed at me. i flinch with excitement every time i hear my name. even if it is just to to pass the ranch.



i try, i really do. i try my hardest to be apart of the circle. but every time i do, the reactions of people hurt. whether it be a facial expression, a comment, or a physical motion. i'm left, still on the outside.


when the cameras come out, i feel like i put on a cover. i'm full of smiles; giggling. trying to look like i'm having a great time. pressing myself close to others...so it looks like i'm apart of it. i feel my cheeks going numb with the fakeness that i have injected into them...

i don't know if this is me looking for a reason to feel sorry for myself or if it is just what i can see. my prospective. what if my prospective is made up?what if i, myself, puts me on the outside. or is it really what happens? then why am i tired; tired from striving to be apart of something? something that somehow means so much to me... but why? if i am of no importance or value to them, then why do i care so much? well, i shouldn't. but i still do...

of course, i go to my mom, hoping that she can help me. but all her opinions just confuse me more. they make me doubt me feelings.they make me question them. but what if they do need to be questioned? i guess i just don't know anymore.