Volleyball: #55

this morning was the morning that i would find out if i made the cut. i walked to pinned up papers and scanned them over multiple times. one...two...three...........four? it wasn't there. i felt like i had been punched in the gut. standing there staring at the number hoping for some chance that i misssed it. hoping that if i stared hard enough, it would appear. it never did. i turned around and walked back to my friends; still unaware of what i had just learned. as i rejoined the circle, a million questions formed into one: "Did you make it". thats when it all hit me, and it hit me hard. i felt the tears sweling in my eyes as i squeezed out the answer through my closing thoat. i bit my tongue; not wanting to cry; not wanting everyone to know that i did not make it.

i managed to hold in all my emotions. at least till i got to second period. thats when i broke down. Kelsey held me and let me cry on her shoulder. and i'm greatful she did; i don't think i could have made it the rest of the day with out that.

throught the day i was reminded of what i could not get. each time, having to bite my tongue harder and harder, to prevent to incoming tears. every time i got over it, another person asked. i wanted everyone to shut up. to forget the topic. i even avoided people, so that i didn't have to go through everything once more.

when i came home my mom was waiting for me; ready to comfort me. we sat on my bed. i cried. i cried lots. we talked. i cried some more. i don't want to cry any more.

once i wiped away all my make-up smugges i checked my email. to my surprise, a guys from second period (when i broke down) asked me if i was okay. that just about made my day. i don't think he could ever understand how much that meant to me. i really appreciated his concern. i will definitely remember that.

i eventually got over my crashing emotions. and i got to thinking. if i can't be on the team, then can i be somewhat apart of it? i want to be a manger for the volleyball team. i emailed the coach with my request, and i hope that she approves.

so, i didn't make the team. thats alright. i still won't stop playing...ever. maybe next time. And this time, i will be prepared.

my long night

tonight i babysat for two kids: a five year old boy named max, and an eight year old girl named lacy.for the first two hours we made some amazing construction paper flowers. lacy was independent and made the flowers her own way. adding stickers and glitter, making the pedals look like hearts and such. but max rolled on the floor whining and almost begging me to do it for him. i refused; i told him that he didn't have to do it;but offered to help him...he continued to pout. what was i supposed to do? i just told him that we would make a blue (his favorite color) flower that would be bigger than his lightning McQueen car. that made him get up.

when we finally completed his "special" flower we began to play with jinga blocks. they made square houses and towers that were five [jinga] blocks high. all was going great till lacy decided that she wanted to knock over max's "fire station". once again, he was rolling on the floor screeching. lacy's excuse was, "he was using all of blocks, he wasn't sharing." i told her to say sorry and not to do it again. i divided up the blocks so that it really wouldn't happen again. then i went to max (who was still on the floor) and told him that i would help him build a house that was big enough to fit his transformer. he got up.

while they continued playing with the blocks i went into the kitchen to make dinner. the specialty tonight was the all so wonderful peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. the one thing that i can't burn.[yes!] we all ate our pb&j while watching the "the wonder pets"....one of the gayest little kid shows i have ever seen. even dora would have been better; and thats not too hard to beat.

max is sick so i was told to put him to bed at eight. but by the time eight o'clock rolled around he was hiding behind couches and under tables. he would not listen to a word i said. i felt like grabbing him by his hair and dragging him to his room...but somehow i managed to control myself. eventually i looked him straight in the eye and as stern as i could get, i told him to get in bed. and he still didn't listen! i grabbed his wrist and personally escorted him to his bed.

when i turned his light off, shut the door, and sat down on the couch with lacy, i thought that i had seen that last of him for that night....and boy how i was wrong. about three times he ran out of room and either hid behind a chair or planted himself on the carpet so that he could not be moved. when my words did not work i went to pick him up; he went limp. he was too heavy for me, i couldn't carry him anywhere. but once lacy stepped in he did everything that she said. i was both frustrated and amazed. i was frustrated that an eight year old had more authority than me, and also because it would have been helpful if she had done it a bit sooner. once she put him to bed he never came out again. [finally!]
in 40 minutes, me and lacy had a bowl of ice cream, played eye spy, and she wrote me a little song. it goes like this:

your the best baby sitter,

your the best baby sitter,

your the best baby sitter ever!

you bring crafts and play games with us,

and when its time for bed you read us a story!

when mom and dad come home you have them check on us.

your the best baby sitter ever!

that was her little song to me, word for word. i have to be honest, its pretty lame. but its sweet and i'll probably hang it up.
lacy went to bed without a problem [i think thats because she speaks and understands english]. i read her a story and tucked her in.
now here i am at midnight, writing about how my night went. and despite all the tantrums i made it through. and i have to admit that i kinda enjoyed it...being the boss and all....;) it was a long night, but it was worth it.

oops...

sorry guys.... i kinda got mad at you all because you weren't commenting. well i found out that my blog was set up so that you couldn't comment. but now it's set so you can....

my bad ^-^

noncommenters

i keep a blog to talk to people; let them know how i feel and whats up in my life. i post hoping that someone can relate or object; or just give me feed back. but when i take the time to semi-spill my guts and no one says anything , i feel ignored and not worth it. and sometimes i wonder if anyone reads my blog...leaving my talking to the air. hello air. if no one is reading my stuff then i don't know if i will continue this blogging thing or not.but either way, just make a damn comment. that would make me happy.... you noncommenters are no longer allowed to read my posts...

not really. but i sure would appreciate it if you did....

Heartful

valentines day gives me a heartful of emotions. my favorite one is happiness. i love the cards from friends with little candies taped on them. the ones that say cutsie things like : "your my berry best buddy". those are the ones i hang up ^-^. another not so positive emotion is jealousy. i see these girls walk around with teddy bears that are bigger than them, and pretty red roses in little bunches of twelve. when i see this, i kinda wish that i had a guy that treated me special like that..... but at the same time; do i really want to have a "boyfriend" that will most likely get rid of me in two weeks? Na..... i also feel gratefulness. i am grateful that i have frends that wouldn't leave me for anything. i'm grateful that i am the first person they think of when they go to forward a valentines day message. i am grateful for my loving friends, and my family that set up a card and a candy bar for me on the table this valentines day morning. on this day i also feel the pressure and guilt to get my friends cards and chocolates.... but thats really not me. i just hope that they don't expect one, because they will be let down ;) with all these feelings and emotions i'm left feeling a bit confused. but at least i know that i have amazing friends and family; and that i don't need a boy or chocolate taped to a card to complete me. when i already am complete...

So Long Aunt Flow

my aunt flow came to visit me on saturday. she is not a nice person. this whole week she has been the annoying the hell out of me, giving me the worst headaches ever. she punches me in the gut and elbows be in the back if i "misbehaved". when we went out in public, it seemed like her main goal is to embarrass me. she was always wearing her bright red sweet suit, and yelled at anyone you breathed her air. so when she packed her bags and went home this afternoon, i was ready to throw a party. so long aunt flow... and don't feel like you need to come back next month.

I'm Here

~~i'm new to the blogger world and hope that i am welcome. i would appreciate it if you could comment and let me know that i'm not talking to thin air~~